December 1 - Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Spray paint gold, turn upside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas Cards. December 2 - Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for answering machine. December 3 - Using candlewick and hand gilded miniature pinecones, fashion cat-o-nine-tails. Flog Gardener. December 4 - Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim. December 5 - Get new eyeglasses. Grind lenses myself. December 6 - Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer Committee for consideration. December 7 - Debug Windows '95 December 10 - Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth. December 11 - Lay Faberge egg. December 12 - Take Dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble. December 13 - Collect Dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for decorative pie crusts. December 14 - Install plumbing in gingerbread house. December 15 - Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade "holiday scents" in case tires are shot out at mall. December 17 - Child-proof the Christmas tree with garland of razor wire. December 19 - Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be same height when sitting at his or her assigned seat. December 20 - Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in confectioner's sugar to add a festive sparkle to the pasture. December 21 - Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices and cinnamon sticks. December 22 - Float votive candles in toilet tank. December 23 - Seed clouds for white Christmas. December 24 - Do my annual good deed. Go to several stores. Be seen engaged in last minute Christmas shopping, thus making many eople feel less inadequate than they really are. December 25 - Bear son. Swaddle. Lay in color-coordinated manger scented with homemade potpourri. December 26 - Organize spice racks by genus and phylum. December 27 - Build snowman in exact likeness of G-d. December 31 - New Year's Eve! Give staff their resolutions. Call a friend in each time zone of the world as the clock strikes Midnight in that country.
