1. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
2. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
3. The 2 most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
4. Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
5. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
6. Money can't buy happiness. But, it sure makes misery easier to live with.
7. Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.
8. Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can't find them.
9. Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.
10. If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book. COROLLARY: If you are given a take-home test, you will forget where you live.
11. The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
12. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
13. Paul's Law: You can't fall off the floor.
14. The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
15. Paranoids are people too; they have their own problems. It's easy to criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid too.
16. A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell and make you feel happy to be on your way.
17. Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines.
18. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
19. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
21. For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
22. Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
23. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
24. To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
25. Two wrongs are only the beginning.
26. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
27. The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
28. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
29. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
30. Change is inevitable...except from vending machines.
31. Don't sweat petty things...or pet sweaty things.
32. Money can't buy love. But it CAN rent a very close imitation.
33. Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
34. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
35. Borrow money from pessimists—they don't expect it back.